When MP and I told the world we were going to offer the ladies of Craigslist Casual Encounters the chance to win a dream date with Richard, the naysayers called it a joke. They said we didn’t know anything about match making; that we wouldn’t be able to afford an “escort,” and we’d just end up borrowing money to buy Richard a “hooker.”
Sure, that last part may have been our “plan A” at one point, but then we met the lovely AW, and she swept us all off our feet.
As a testament to the power of true love, I present to you the Christmas gifts Richard received from his Dream Date this morning (see photos below). Representing her Midwestern roots, AW sent a “someone in Chicago loves me” shirt, which I’d hoped was from her closet, but upon sniffing discovered it to be a new purchase (exhibit B). She also sent a Chicago style, deep dish pizza (not pictured), the scraps of which I photographed after my lunch (exhibit C).
Merry Christmas, one and all.
After weeks of speculation over which nut-job, pigeon lady or hooker would win the dream date with Richard, we were all shocked when the right girl turned out to be AW, a cornfed beauty who had made her way out to the coast by way of Chicago.
It was love at first glance for the comely AW and her dream-beau-to-be. Not only did they defy our plan to leave the voting to the readers, but they eloped on their very own dream date, sans the Honda CRV car service we’d promised to provide.
Normally this kind of acting out gets Richard a very stern talking to, but when he and AW returned to the Formosa House on Sunday night, we could see there was magic between them. Never ones to stand in the way of romance, we agreed to declare AW the official winner, and did our best to help things along with an extended “roommate hang” / interrogation session.
An hour into the hang, love, lust and miller lite had all congealed into mess you could cut with a knife from Richard’s “Formaggio Cheese Board Set” ($49.99 Target). Richard excused himself to the WC, and I suddenly got a spidey-sense tingle that could only mean:
1. My doctor was wrong and I had run afoul of “the ovation,” a penicillin resistant strain of the clap, which he promised me was an urban legend.
2. Something exciting was about to happen, and I’d better take my camera out.
While the jury at Cedars Sinai is still out on possibility #1, my instincts about Richard proved correct. Before I knew what was happening, Richard was blasting “Glass Table Girls” by The Weeknd and dancing up a storm; his hands moving like a tasmanian devil across AW’s tan body. I racked my brain for explanation. What devils could have possessed our sweet, mild Richard to stuff cash down this chaste farmer’s daughter’s dress as she danced for him? I had my answer when Richard demanded lend him more money for “mas yayo.”
Within five minutes, Richard’s coke dealer was at our house, and Richard was hoovering up Chick-Fil-A size lines. Just when things couldn’t get any crazier, A SECOND RICHARD WALKED THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, and I was looking at TWO IDENTICAL RICHARD’S!
Richard #2 claimed to be the victim of an elaborate plot by a pumpkin to steal his identity starting with AW and the dream date. As insane as that sounded, looking at Richard #1 it was impossible to deny that he did look like a pumpkin. Then again, Richard #2 sort of looked like a pumpkin too.
With both Richard’s claiming to be the real one, demanding we kill the doppleganger, we want to be very careful before jumping to any conclusions. In the meantime we’ll continue to bring you updates. Pics in a second…