While You Were At Work

Imagine the John Ritter in Problem Child. Now imagine that instead of an adopted son, he had two 30-year old roommates. Now imagine one of them had a blog.
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Posts tagged "dream date"

When MP and I told the world we were going to offer the ladies of Craigslist Casual Encounters the chance to win a dream date with Richard, the naysayers called it a joke. They said we didn’t know anything about match making; that we wouldn’t be able to  afford an “escort,” and we’d just end up borrowing money to buy Richard a “hooker.”

Sure, that last part may have been our “plan A” at one point, but then we met the lovely AW, and she swept us all off our feet.

As a testament to the power of true love, I present to you the Christmas gifts Richard received from his Dream Date this morning (see photos below). Representing her Midwestern roots, AW sent a “someone in Chicago loves me” shirt, which I’d hoped was from her closet, but upon sniffing discovered it to be a new purchase (exhibit B). She also sent a Chicago style, deep dish pizza (not pictured), the scraps of which I photographed after my lunch (exhibit C).

Merry Christmas, one and all.

50 plays

This sad track’s been playing on loop from behind Richard’s locked bedroom door all morning. Between this and the whimpering I heard when I got home last night, I think he’s really broken up over the way Snortskies hijacked his dream date with AW. Hopefully he can find some comfort in the pages of the 400 magazines he has holed up in there with him.

After weeks of speculation over which nut-job, pigeon lady or hooker would win the dream date with Richard, we were all shocked when the right girl turned out to be AW, a cornfed beauty who had made her way out to the coast by way of Chicago.

It was love at first glance for the comely AW and her dream-beau-to-be. Not only did they defy our plan to leave the voting to the readers, but they eloped on their very own dream date, sans the Honda CRV car service we’d promised to provide.

Normally this kind of acting out gets Richard a very stern talking to, but when he and AW returned to the Formosa House on Sunday night, we could see there was magic between them. Never ones to stand in the way of romance, we agreed to declare AW the official winner, and did our best to help things along with an extended “roommate hang” / interrogation session.

An hour into the hang, love, lust and miller lite had all congealed into mess you could cut with a knife from Richard’s “Formaggio Cheese Board Set” ($49.99 Target). Richard excused himself to the WC, and I suddenly got a spidey-sense tingle that could only mean:

1. My doctor was wrong and I had run afoul of “the ovation,” a penicillin resistant strain of the clap, which he promised me was an urban legend.

or

2. Something exciting was about to happen, and I’d better take my camera out.

While the jury at Cedars Sinai is still out on possibility #1, my instincts about Richard proved correct. Before I knew what was happening, Richard was blasting “Glass Table Girls” by The Weeknd and dancing up a storm; his hands moving like a tasmanian devil across AW’s tan body. I racked my brain for explanation. What devils could have possessed our sweet, mild Richard to stuff cash down this chaste farmer’s daughter’s dress as she danced for him? I had my answer when Richard demanded lend him more money for  “mas yayo.”

Within five minutes, Richard’s coke dealer was at our house, and Richard was hoovering up Chick-Fil-A size lines. Just when things couldn’t get any crazier, A SECOND RICHARD WALKED THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, and I was looking at TWO IDENTICAL RICHARD’S!

Richard #2  claimed to be the victim of an elaborate plot by a pumpkin to steal his identity starting with AW and the dream date. As insane as that sounded, looking at Richard #1 it was impossible to deny that he did look like a pumpkin. Then again, Richard #2 sort of looked like a pumpkin too.

With both Richard’s claiming to be the real one, demanding we kill the doppleganger, we want to be very careful before jumping to any conclusions. In the meantime we’ll continue to bring you updates. Pics in a second…

Things heat up between Richard and the lovely AW after their dream date. Click to enlarge pics.

See Fiona’s contest entry below

See Fiona’s contest entry below

  • Fiona, 34, held so much promise at first, I really thought she could be the one for Richard. Alas, as our emails and eventual G chat progressed, it became clear her heart belonged to another... yours truly.
  • Here is our unabridged exchange:
  • Sunday 10/16/11 8: 19 PM
  • Fiona: You don't know me and I don't know you, but your ad rocks! clever beaver...haha. I loved it. You have one of the best ads I have seen. Lazy Sunday Craigslist I don't let anyone know I look at this:)
  • Anyway just giving you a shout out! From another who is allergic to fun. xo
  • Me: A couple hours trauling through these ads and I feel like the least creepy guy on the Internet.
  • It would be great to get a contestant in here who isn't a hooker. So, seriously, Hudson or the Beverly?
  • Fiona: Why Or? What if a girl is overall a down to earth, fun, dynamic who likes the options "AND"?
  • Rich...You seem amazing but I am not interested in the contest (maybe the girls you really want to date don't feel they need to do this to go out with a real awesome guy. xo
  • PS. Not a hooker: )
  • Me: Just to clarify, you are not speaking with richard...you need to earn the right to speak with richard. this is his roommate, who cares about him deeply, and just wants to see him fall madly in love with a respectable woman. i figured the best way to make that happen was to start an anonymous dating contest in the M4W "casual encounters" section of craig's list. you're acting like this is a weird thing!
  • I urge you to reconsider, fionna.
  • Fiona: I didn't say it was weird...I think it is awesome that you are doing this for your room mate.I suggest that you put a "Value" why is Richard so awesome. What makes him stand head and shoulder above anyone else. Ivy League Edu is a great start, great personality...the more descriptive you are about him and the girl he is compatible with...the more effective this would be for you.
  • Good luck Richard's room mate. xo
  • Me: Let's forget about Richard. If you've seen anything on the site, you know I just steal everything from him anyway. Let's talk about us.
  • THIS IS WHERE THINGS HEAT UP. She saw we were both on G chat and IMed me.
  • Fiona: lol let's get married!
  • Me: Where are you? you have work tomorrow?
  • Fiona: I just left my job, so I am free. What do you look like?
  • Me: I'm a little older than you.
  • Fiona: Maybe that's why I like you. Wisdom AND playful. pic?
  • SEE CHARLES GRODIN PIC ABOVE.
  • Me: That was taken a couple of years ago. Some people say I look like a young Charles Grodin.
  • Fiona: You are a little older than me. But I'd still give you a smackaroo.
  • Things get a little NSFW from here on out, but the important thing here is that Fiona has dropped out. Sorry, Richard - You can't win them all.

If there’s anything to be learned from round one, it’s that prostitutes are really eager to date Richard. While most were reluctant to fill out the questionnaire, and have a questionable grasp on the meaning of “tasteful pic,” there’s no doubting their enthusiasm.

We will leave it for you to determine which Craigslist prostitute you think would be the best fit for Richard.

Prostitute #1 goes by the handle Ms. Stephanie, and didn’t give us much more to think about than her picture. An older lady of the night?

Prostitute #2 calls herself Eveleen. While I’m charmed by her winning smile, she seems to be writing us from some kind of dorm room-apocalyptic bunker.

Prostitute #3 goes by the name Sparkle Eguchi. I’m not sure if she’s half Japanese or what, but one thing is for sure - she’s a prostitute.

Regular and crazy contestants will be added soon…

The Dream Date Contest has been heating up over the weekend, and we’ve taken on some support staff to keep up with the flow of applicants. Hold to your hats, America - you’re about to get rocked by a hurricane of true love! Updates coming soon…

The Dream Date Contest has been heating up over the weekend, and we’ve taken on some support staff to keep up with the flow of applicants. Hold to your hats, America - you’re about to get rocked by a hurricane of true love! Updates coming soon…

Next up, the fetching Karalee, who sent the above photo with her entry. Karalee writes:"i would love to meet a guy for a fwb situation as well.  i am free today to meet.  how are you?  what is your name?"Karalee clearly glossed over Richard’s name in the initial “WIN A DREAM DATE” ad, but what she lacks in basic reading comprehension, she more than makes up for with enthusiasm. That said, we’re matchmakers, not pimps, and the only type of “fwb” Richard’s looking for is “fun with boats.” Cool your jets, Karalee.If you think Karalee deserves to “WIN A DREAM DATE WITH RICHARD,” vote “YES” in the comments below. If you think we can do better, vote “NO.”To enter “WIN A DREAM DATE WITH RICHARD,” please visit: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/m4w/2648468511.html 

Next up, the fetching Karalee, who sent the above photo with her entry. Karalee writes:

"i would love to meet a guy for a fwb situation as well.  i am free today to meet.  how are you?  what is your name?"

Karalee clearly glossed over Richard’s name in the initial “WIN A DREAM DATE” ad, but what she lacks in basic reading comprehension, she more than makes up for with enthusiasm.

That said, we’re matchmakers, not pimps, and the only type of “fwb” Richard’s looking for is “fun with boats.” Cool your jets, Karalee.

If you think Karalee deserves to “WIN A DREAM DATE WITH RICHARD,” vote “YES” in the comments below. If you think we can do better, vote “NO.”

To enter “WIN A DREAM DATE WITH RICHARD,” please visit: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/m4w/2648468511.html