I thought about trying to “prestige” the game by changing all my pics to photos of Richard, but the whole thing has gotten too boring.
Every attractive photo has the same value as one Delta Skymile. You have to sift through 50,000 pics to earn the sexual equivalent of a trip to Denver, and redeeming them will take another few hours of lobbing conversational alley-oops at some dumbo to convince her she has a rapport with you.
Wasn’t the whole point of the app to facilitate casual, semi-anonymous sex via cheaper, easier means than going out to a bar? Fucking straight people suck at everything.
The gays had Grindr, which was genius. Then they had Blendr, which was an even more genius app designed to trick straight guys into thinking they were messaging with girls, who were actually just gay dudes fishing for dick pics.
I need to find a new way to amuse myself.
I think I’m going to start fucking with the “missed connections” section of Craigslist. I’ll reply to posts that describe guys matching my general description; when we meet and I turn out to be the wrong guy, I’ll just smile and be charming and say something about how I believe in astrology.
Sure they’ll probably all be haggard, but I bet there are some Five Diamond weirdos on there with crazy stories.
If I go missing, have the police check my email for clues. On second thought, just smash my computer to pieces and destroy everything. I’d rather die in a cat lady’s basement than have my Firefox history revealed.
This weekend Richard told MP and I that he’d received a naughty photo from a woman, who was attempting to lure him into a sexual rendezvous.
Naturally this prompted a series of questions including whether the woman was retarded, and if Richard had ever sent “Favre style dick pics” to a lady. He hasn’t. I find that surprising considering the times we live in.
To show Richard how easy it is, and to punish him for withholding the identity of the woman in his story, I posted this ad on Craigslist M4M casual encounters.
If you don’t spend a lot of time trawling for NSA sex on the internet, I can assure you this is the kind of offer that gets attention.
You see, Richard? Anyone can do it.
When MP and I told the world we were going to offer the ladies of Craigslist Casual Encounters the chance to win a dream date with Richard, the naysayers called it a joke. They said we didn’t know anything about match making; that we wouldn’t be able to afford an “escort,” and we’d just end up borrowing money to buy Richard a “hooker.”
Sure, that last part may have been our “plan A” at one point, but then we met the lovely AW, and she swept us all off our feet.
As a testament to the power of true love, I present to you the Christmas gifts Richard received from his Dream Date this morning (see photos below). Representing her Midwestern roots, AW sent a “someone in Chicago loves me” shirt, which I’d hoped was from her closet, but upon sniffing discovered it to be a new purchase (exhibit B). She also sent a Chicago style, deep dish pizza (not pictured), the scraps of which I photographed after my lunch (exhibit C).
Merry Christmas, one and all.
- Fiona, 34, held so much promise at first, I really thought she could be the one for Richard. Alas, as our emails and eventual G chat progressed, it became clear her heart belonged to another... yours truly.
- Here is our unabridged exchange:
- Sunday 10/16/11 8: 19 PM
- Fiona: You don't know me and I don't know you, but your ad rocks! clever beaver...haha. I loved it. You have one of the best ads I have seen. Lazy Sunday Craigslist I don't let anyone know I look at this:)
- Anyway just giving you a shout out! From another who is allergic to fun. xo
- Me: A couple hours trauling through these ads and I feel like the least creepy guy on the Internet.
- It would be great to get a contestant in here who isn't a hooker. So, seriously, Hudson or the Beverly?
- Fiona: Why Or? What if a girl is overall a down to earth, fun, dynamic who likes the options "AND"?
- Rich...You seem amazing but I am not interested in the contest (maybe the girls you really want to date don't feel they need to do this to go out with a real awesome guy. xo
- PS. Not a hooker: )
- Me: Just to clarify, you are not speaking with richard...you need to earn the right to speak with richard. this is his roommate, who cares about him deeply, and just wants to see him fall madly in love with a respectable woman. i figured the best way to make that happen was to start an anonymous dating contest in the M4W "casual encounters" section of craig's list. you're acting like this is a weird thing!
- I urge you to reconsider, fionna.
- Fiona: I didn't say it was weird...I think it is awesome that you are doing this for your room mate.I suggest that you put a "Value" why is Richard so awesome. What makes him stand head and shoulder above anyone else. Ivy League Edu is a great start, great personality...the more descriptive you are about him and the girl he is compatible with...the more effective this would be for you.
- Good luck Richard's room mate. xo
- Me: Let's forget about Richard. If you've seen anything on the site, you know I just steal everything from him anyway. Let's talk about us.
- THIS IS WHERE THINGS HEAT UP. She saw we were both on G chat and IMed me.
- Fiona: lol let's get married!
- Me: Where are you? you have work tomorrow?
- Fiona: I just left my job, so I am free. What do you look like?
- Me: I'm a little older than you.
- Fiona: Maybe that's why I like you. Wisdom AND playful. pic?
- SEE CHARLES GRODIN PIC ABOVE.
- Me: That was taken a couple of years ago. Some people say I look like a young Charles Grodin.
- Fiona: You are a little older than me. But I'd still give you a smackaroo.
- Things get a little NSFW from here on out, but the important thing here is that Fiona has dropped out. Sorry, Richard - You can't win them all.
So much love for Richard on Craigslist, and I didn’t even post in the casual encounters section. That makes me wonder…
